I saw a last year movie last night, while on my way to my holiday retreat in, hm, Newcastle. For some hours I hesitated, but then a flat battery in my iBook and inability to fall asleep made my choice. Plus, I was wood to it by two facts – filming location (Tuscany) and leading star (Harvey Keitel).

It was called… Le me see… “The Shadow Dancer”. Or you might encounter the same under an alternative title, “Shadows in the Sun”. However, it wasn’t, as one might expect, about issues troubling Sun Microsystems, but about a much harsher subject. I’m only joking, obviously, there is no harsher subject available.

It’s about a wannabe writer Jeremy Taylor (Joshua Jackson) sent to Italy by a publishing house to find another, yet greater American writer, Weldon Parish (Keitel), who – for some 20 years now – isolates himself in rural sunlit Italy, and what is even worse, doesn’t write and publish anymore.

It meant to be a romantic comedy, but it’s a simple nonsense. And I decided to spoil it for you, so let me brief you on a few basic facts. First and above all, let’s make things clear: this movie is a complete crap. It’s pathetic and shallow, and enhanced by mediocre dialogue.

This unbelievable yuppie wanker Jeremy drives down to an idyllic sleepy village in his BMW convertible, manages to find Parish, get him to start writing, he himself starts writing as well and what is the most ridiculous of all, picks up Isabella (Claire Forlani, known from Meet Joe Black), a superhot, supercool twenty-something babe, who happens to be Weldon’s daughter. And gets laid. Obviously, she’s got nothing better to do but to wait for her prince charming rounded by village drunks and jerks.

Bloody hell, it really was a one bad movie! Except for Tuscan sceneries and chick Isabella, otherwise it was an exemplary disaster.

Of course, Harvey Keitel doesn’t have much reputation left, the only thing he really starred at since Pulp Fiction and I can remember was a great ad for Johny Walker, for which he deserves my deepest gratitude. As the classic would say: “What’s wrong with you? Your ass used to be beautiful.” Why did he take a role like that at all? Or was beautiful Isabella his secret fluffer? One can only speculate.

I don’t expect anybody to go and see this movie, nor to get it on a DVD, but would you be a in a bit masochistic mood and want to torture yourself, get ready for fast forwarding. It will be a must.